


Morning Passages

by MsYukari



Series: Why Did You Do It? [2]
Category: Wentworth (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Domestic Fluff, Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Intimacy, F/F, Feelings, Love, Mild Hurt/Comfort, One Shot, POV Alternating, POV Third Person, Post-Season/Series 05, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Series, Tenderness, There are slight mentions of the aftermath of rape but non graphic, Why Did You Do It? one shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-26
Updated: 2018-09-26
Packaged: 2019-07-17 17:00:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16099931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsYukari/pseuds/MsYukari
Summary: The story continues in a one shot for Joan and Vera from Why Did You Do It? A little one shot a couple months after that story ended.





	Morning Passages

**Author's Note:**

> For a while I thought I would just leave Why Did You Do It? as it is because I think the ending for that was perfect in my eyes, but after some thought and some questions from readers, I decided a little return to that setting taking place sometime after the main story might be good to go back to. :)

She gasped, sitting up in bed. Another nightmare had woken her, and this time Vera didn't wake up like she normally did. The last few times she hadn't because Joan's nightmares had been more frequent. She wasn't sure why, other than the trauma that still plagued her mind. Rubbing her face, she shivered as she swung her legs over the bed. Joan sat there as she tried to remember what had happened in the dream. Sometimes she thought if she could only remember more details of the dream or the meaning behind it, she'd be able to somehow correct the problem. At least that's what she told herself. The mind was a mysterious thing; full of memories, thoughts, and fears all correlating to whatever most bothered her.

Joan supposed that lately the trauma she had faced would still manifest itself through her dreams or through a particular thought or action. She could still close her eyes in the shower, remembering the cold cruel eyes of Gambaro. It made her anxious at times to leave her eyes closed for too long while washing her hair. Her heart would start beating faster. During her time as Top Dog of Wentworth, she had those to protect her, but she also was so focused on all her plans that it never left her room to think about what she went through. The only time she ever thought of it consciously was when she would pass by Gambaro or have to talk to her. The only satisfaction she had was the waiting she did. The longtime planning to get revenge on the disgusting woman.

If she went to see a doctor, she needed to have Vera with her at all times. It was different when she was in Medical at Wentworth. She felt more in control, more in power there to be able to deceive Nurse Radcliffe and whenever Westfall visited her trying at some poor attempt to show empathy. Joan remembered how the psychiatrist said she would learn how to feel and show empathy. Joan turned her head to Vera fast asleep next to her. She lifted her hand and stroked Vera's hair away from her face. If anyone best taught her about empathy, it was this small woman.

Stroking Vera's hair, she laid down next to her, moving her body closer to hers. As she tucked her legs under Vera's, she slowly and gently caressed her body. Vera sighed softly in her sleep and Joan smiled lovingly as she kissed her shoulder, her lips lingering there as she rested against the woman she loved.

“Joan,” she murmured sleepily.

She was surprised she woke then, kissing her shoulder and neck. Vera slowly turned over, facing her as she curled up against her. Joan held her close, listening to her soft breathing.

“Is something wrong?” Vera asked, her voice slurring a little.

She wanted to say there would always be something wrong with her, but she knew that Vera hated when she talked like that. Instead she held Vera tighter and kissed her forehead. “Nothing's wrong, just a bad dream.”

“Do you need me to get up? I can make us tea,” Vera said softly.

Joan's lips twitched in amusement. This was their ritual whenever she woke up disturbed from sleep. She would stay up with Joan for however long she could, and they'd drink tea and sit outside in their yard, or they'd watch something mindless on the television.

“No, Vera, you can stay here. Go back to sleep,” Joan whispered.

“Mmm okay,” she said as she rested her head on Joan's breast.

Joan allowed the steady breathing of Vera to relax and calm her; the warm body pressed up against hers was a nice welcome haven from her mind as she stared into the dark. Her eyes were growing tired and she drifted off, only to awaken to the sound of mewing outside her door. Glancing at the time she could see it was already almost 5am. She sighed, gently separating herself from Vera, placing her arm gently onto the bed and kissing her cheek.

Opening the door she yawned and smiled at the three little kittens that meowed and greeted her. They pawed at her legs, rubbing up against her and almost making her trip as she walked downstairs. She prepared their food, wincing at the small little claws that would scrape her legs. The meows were louder and even Koshka was getting antsy. A furry head bumped up against her arm, and she rolled her eyes seeing that Koshka had jumped up onto the kitchen counter.

“You need to _not_ do that.” Koshka kept purring and Joan couldn't help but smile as she picked her up and lowered her to the floor. “You need to wait, Koshka, just like the rest of your little minions.” Joan smiled at Katya who wouldn't stop meowing like a little banshee. The other two kittens meowed but they weren't quite as loud as their sister. She prepared two dishes so two of each could eat out of it.

She quickly grabbed Valentin and put him next to Anya to keep Katya and Koshka separated from them. Little Katya was the spitting image of Koshka, and Valentin also looked more like his mother, but Anya was a beautiful pure white kitten with blue eyes. She stood out the most. Joan watched them eat for a few seconds before washing her hands and setting out to prepare breakfast.

It had been such a sweet and difficult time with the kittens and Koshka. The last two months were some of the more rewarding moments in her life. She loved Vera very much, but there was a difference in the love she felt for these cats. They were almost like her children in a way, the closest she'd ever have to that.

She smiled as she stared outside through the window, cooking the sausage and eggs and putting baked beans onto the plate. She looked at where she had bananas, raspberries, and pears and decided to have a small bowl of them together. For some reason she had been having a craving for pears lately, and she wasn't sure why. She looked behind her as she heard the soft footsteps of Vera coming into the kitchen.

“Good morning,” Vera said, yawning.

“Good morning, Vera.”

“A full English breakfast, Joan! What's the special occasion?”

“Nothing in particular, Vera. I just wanted to do something a little different. I thought maybe we could go to the beach today. We haven't in a few weeks since you were sick.”

Vera smiled, coming up to her and wrapping her arms around her waist. “I would love that. Did you feed the kitties?”

Joan furrowed her eyebrows, smirking. “Of course I did. They wouldn't let me go back to sleep this morning. You're lucky you can sleep through it.”

“Not always. When they first started walking around and wanting into our room, I would wake up quite a lot. Sometimes you leave the door closed though, why is that?”

Joan blushed, biting her lip as she kissed Vera. “Hmm, isn't it obvious why? I don't want them to sometimes come in during any... intimate moments.”

Vera smiled at her. “We'll kick them out if they do. But I know you like them sleeping with us. At least until they're a little bit older. The huge cat bed you got them helps keep all of them on there.”

“Yes, but I think Koshka misses sleeping with us in our bed.”

“She can again, and I'm sure the others will too when they're big enough to jump onto it. Just imagine, four grown cats in bed with us.”

Joan's eyes widened. “Perhaps we should keep them outside of our room before they get used to that.”

Vera laughed. “Come on, Joan I see when you cuddle those kittens. You want them in here too. They don't have to all be on our bed.”

“That's true... all right, we'll figure it out as time goes on. Let's eat and then head to the beach.”

 

* * *

 

Vera strolled along the beach, her hair blowing in the wind. Joan walked ahead of her, her longer legs making it hard for Vera to keep up with her. She was surprised at how comfortable Joan now was walking barefoot on the sand. It was something she would have never done before, but she insisted it was her way of letting go. Vera knew that deep down that meant she was letting go of what she couldn't control.

Joan stopped as she faced the water, and Vera glanced at her profile. Her features were both strong and feminine at the same time, her hair flowing to her shoulders showing the softness of the woman underneath. The wind gave her hair a wavy look, and it was a beautiful mix of black and silver. Her soft eyes turned towards Vera, and she gave a small smile.

Walking up to Joan she gently held her hand, feeling Joan squeeze hers. “Do you like it here?” Vera asked softly.

Joan watched the waves brushing up against the rocks and sand. “Adjusting to such a quiet life has been more difficult than I imagined, but yes I do.”

Vera smiled, resting her head on her shoulder. They both enjoyed the peaceful and quiet town they lived in, but she knew that Joan wasn't used to not having the fear and anxiety that had plagued her life for so long. It was as if the idea of rest and relaxation was foreign to her.

“I know, I'm not exactly used to it either. Sometimes I still wake up expecting to go to Wentworth in the morning, and I remind myself that we aren't there anymore.”

Joan gently tugged her hand as they walked on the beach. “Are you happy here with me?”

Joan still asked this question of her, as if she expected Vera to change her mind. A lifetime of pain, loss, and abandonment would do that to someone. Despite everything they'd been through, Joan still had those fears. Vera also had those same fears, but she didn't always admit them to Joan. Vera hoped to make their lives as content as possible.

“Joan, you know the answer to that.” Vera stopped her and raised her hands to cup her cheeks, pulling her down for a tender kiss. “What's made you think about this? Was it the nightmare you had last night?”

Joan brought her hands up to Vera's wrists, gently stroking her skin. Joan didn't talk about her nightmares as often, but Vera knew that they left her feeling rather quiet and melancholy for most of the day. It was as if Joan was ashamed to still be having them. Then there was the anxiety attacks. They had increased in frequency in the last month, and Vera didn't exactly know what to do. The only thing she could do was help soothe and calm her down.

“Possibly. Does it bother you that I still have nightmares?” Joan asked, but there was an edge to her tone that Vera didn't understand.

“Well, I'm only concerned over how you feel during the day after one. And of course I don't like that you have them, but that's not your fault.”

“I may always have these nightmares, Vera. Especially if something triggers them. The same with these panic attacks,” she said a little defensively.

“I know. This will take time. A change of scenery and environment is helpful, but it won't get rid of some of the same issues...”

Joan's lip twitched in irritation. “I wish they would stop. It always leaves me feeling unsettled and... disturbed. It's why I wanted to go down to the beach today so I could clear my head. The ocean is calming.”

Vera wrapped her arm around Joan's waist. “I know. Let's go back to the car soon. The cats will be hungry.” She knew that seeing them would brighten Joan's mood.

Indeed her eyes did lighten as she smiled, kissing Vera's forehead. “Yes, they will be.”

Joan let Vera drive them back, and looked out the window, sighing softly as they drove past the beach and trees. Vera put on some music for them, and she turned towards Joan who had a blissful look on her face, but she noticed the tear that rolled down Joan's cheek. It wasn't too often this happened while listening to music, but the classical notes of the song made Joan feel something. Vera didn't always understand that as she usually felt emotional by songs with lyrics. Joan was easily moved by the sound of the piano and violin, and the beautiful voices of opera singers. She reached for her hand and held it, catching Joan's gaze quickly as she squeezed it. Joan gave her a soft smile, caressing her thumb with her hand before she turned back to the road to continue driving home.

As they returned, three little kittens came over meowing as they greeted them at the door. Koshka was nearby and rubbed up against Joan and Vera's legs. Vera tried not to laugh as they all followed Joan into the kitchen.

“You're such a good cat mama,” she said, smiling as Joan prepared their food.

“I'm just giving them what they need. Food, water, and some affection.”

Vera continued to watch them, smiling softly at the gentleness Joan showed them. She was happy with them in a way that she'd never seen before. She thought back to when they were first born and how excited Joan had been. That day had been full of anxiety and fear. Koshka had given birth to four kittens, but only three survived. Joan had taken it especially hard that they lost the fourth kitten.

While they both knew that happened at times with kitten litters, it was still a very sad moment they both experienced. Koshka had tried diligently to save the kitten, and Joan had tried to get the kitten to breathe but unfortunately there was nothing more they could do. They were both a little in shock and Joan's lips trembled, and Vera had watched as she went into the bathroom and shut the door. After a few minutes she heard the quiet sobs, and pressed her hand against the door, listening to Joan cry in anguish.

It had taken some time for Joan to allow her to come in, but once she did, she wouldn't let Vera go. She was over protective of Koshka and the kittens for a while after that, and while Joan was happy, she remembered hearing the story of how she lost her first cat Sasha. The kitten's death brought up all the painful memories of that time.

After they were fed, Joan pulled Vera into the living room, sitting down with her and wrapping her arms around her. They loved to stay like this together, just breathing in and being with the other. Vera thought it was because they weren't yet used to the idea that they could be like this forever. The possibility of Joan being found was such a low one now, and they never worried about it, but she knew it would take them time to get used to just being.

Raising up, Vera kissed Joan on the lips, stroking her hair as she looked into her eyes. “Would you want to watch a film?”

Joan smiled. “We can. What would you like to watch?” Joan caressed her hand, her eyes soft and loving as she looked at Vera.

“How about _Bonnie and Clyde_?”

Joan snickered. “Are you saying we're them? I always thought we'd be a little more like _Thelma & Louise._”

“Maybe... but we had a happier ending.”

“Yes, we did,” Joan said, kissing her as they put on the film.

**Author's Note:**

> There you have it. I hope that little one shot was enjoyable for those who have read Why Did You Do It? or even those who haven't read it who stumbled across this. As always, thank you for reading! :) If you'd like to listen to what Joan listened to in the car, I'll put up a link for it. She Remembers by Max Richter: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qg4SgNYeCgU
> 
> If you'd like to listen to other music that I listened to while writing this, I can put up links for that as well.
> 
> On Reflection by Max Richter: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxzFqhUy-Pg
> 
> I have trouble with titles for stories, so I decided to go with Morning Passages which is a music piece from The Hours soundtrack. Morning Passages by Phillip Glass: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMnNaKMgc-c&t
> 
> The Sixth Station by Joe Hisaishi (from the Spirited Away soundtrack): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbRmFSQYeac
> 
> Legend of Ashitaki by Joe Hisaishi (from the Princess Mononoke soundtrack): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6y85Er8-5yk&list=PL02A8A8B5D2BB9CBD
> 
> Ashitaki and San by Joe Hisaishi (from the Princess Mononoke soundtrack): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfkPtjL6Ozg
> 
> Princess Mononoke Theme by Joe Hisaishi (from the Princess Mononoke soundtrack): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBADF1LdP3g
> 
> Feel free to follow/message me on twitter as @MsYukari or on tumblr as msyukari. :)


End file.
